15 November 2003 | 10:35 a.m.,

could I BE more fed up?

I drove home from work yesterday fighting back the tears all the way. I came in and my mum was in the back room so I just said hello as I passed. She came through to my room and asked me what was wrong and I started cryng again.

I'd been fighting it back for the last hour or so of work as well.

I think its a major dose of PMS mixed with all this crap at work. I just don't know whats going on but the thing bothering me the most is not seeing P anymore. I didn't get to speak to him at all yesterday and only saw him a couple of times in the canteen and once I was back down the factory after 3.30. Shug was being a nazi [I probably shouldn't have snapped at him first thing!] and said I had to do line checks, not the chill, as he did them on Thursday. So I didn't get to go in the chill at all. Normally if I'm on line checks I go in the chill when Shug is on his breaks so I get to gab to P then. Course yesterday I had to go to the lab straight after breakfast.

Its not that working in the lab is so bad, not the actual WORK or even the people. Christine and Carrie are both okay to get on with but its just not the same. I've been doing the same job for nearly 6 years, I'm used to being down the factory and talking to people down there and stuff. Its not just P I miss [altho right now that IS bothering me more than anything and I'm being all irrational and feeling like this time next week he'll have forgotten who I am..], its just feeling cut off from everything.

And it all happened so fast. I come back from my holiday and suddenly this new guy seems to have shafted me out of my job down there and I'm being punted to the lab like it or not. I'm not good with change. You may have gathered that.

But its more than that. I feel like I have no control anymore. Aside from the days off, the only things I liked about the job have been taken away from me, and noone seems to be telling me exactly what is happening.

I realise that since Teresa hasn't left, she is just off sick, he can't give me her job but the girls in the lab seem to think thats what Creepy D is training me up for. In the event she DOESN'T come back, or just comes back part time or Mon-Fri. The vague way he said it to ME made me think that I would just be doing my normal job except doing some micro at weekends. More to take the pressure off the lab girls on a Monday until Teresa comes back. He never said anything about me doing the QA stuff down in the factory but Shug started on about me collecting samples as if I was meant to do that now. That was when I bit his head off. It was 6.05am though. I mean give me a f***ing break.

Plus this new guy is bugging me. He's one of these types who have been there like a week and he's all settled in and thinks he knows it all. When I came back from seeing Creepy D on Thurs morning, before I got a chance to say what he had wanted to see me about {so the guy had no reason to think I wasn't going to be around all day} he's all "I told Shug that if he does the line checks then I'll do the metal detectors and collect labels and everything else"

What the F***? He not only seemed to forget my entire existence in all that, but he's telling Shug whats happening??!? It just made me feel [especially yesterday when I thought about it more and was getting more and more depressed] that I've been shafted out of having a job down there. He is supposed to be Shugs replacement as he is leaving in January to go and do a nursing course. So why do *I* feel like I've been made redundant?

And Shug wasn't helping by totally avoiding me because he decided I was crabbit. I was but more because I hadn't seen Peter and I know that come Monday the new start will be on our shift [he's been working Mon-fri so far so I was able to do the checks when he had gone home Thurs and yesterday but not so next week].

It just feels as if I came back from my holiday to have the rug swept from under me, you know? I always knew if I ended up in a lab job there that I would feel crap and miss doing the chill in particular, I just didn't know I would feel THIS bad. I haven't felt this depressed in a LONG time. If ever. I just felt like crying all night last night. i was fighting back the tears again when I went to bed

My mum was really sweet. I didn't say anything about Peter as she doesn't know anything about him but said I just missed the "social interaction" and stuff and she gave me hugs and said she could understand it and she didn't like seeing me upset etc.

And just to put another spanner in the works and complicate issues further, apparently I had a phonecall yesterday and I have a second interview at that place I was at last week. Now I have no idea what to do if they offer me that job. I don't know if I get extra money for this lab thing. I SHOULD for the extra responsibilty but of course Creepy D never mentioned it and I feel a bit weird asking. But I need to know before Wednesday in case I get that job. They have kept phoning so I imagine it would be a case of them phoning and saying "do you want it or not" and me having to decided there and then. They were talking more money than I get now but I think the lab girls get more than that and I'd get more cos of my shift allowance too. But then he might just give me a small increase but not the full salary because I'm not doing it all the time..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just want to wake up and realise its only Thursday morning and this has all been a horrid dream.